23 March 2007


If the previous post were fiction, I would end it thus:

'A few days later I returned to the same spot. All I saw was a vacant lot strewn
with litter. No Nishan. No gurdwara. [fade out, playing Twilight Zone

Of course, nothing like that happened.

The granthi suggested that I knew what I needed to do. He was right, of course, but I felt as though he were suggesting that I turn myself into the Gestapo for execution. I had totally forgotten the love and compassion that exists within our sister/brotherhood. That small group of Khalsa know all the details of my 'crimes and misdemeanours.'

After chopping off my hair (#1) and disappearing into maya, I decided that to fully experience maya I needed to try drugs. And I did...everything I could find (#2). I hated it all, and felt like a perfect idiot. There were two exceptions to that: Courvoisier (after all, I am almost half French) and smoking. The cognac was pleasant, but easy enough to give up. Smoking, though, I had to try many times before being able to stop. Eventually, though, I succeeded. Our Guru Gobind Singh Ji was totally correct is his condemnation of tobacco. It is dangerous and insidious. I remained a vegetarian, so halal meat(#3) was no problem. I can just imagine everyone waiting to hear details of my filthy sex life (#4). I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint the more licentious of my readers; there was no sexual misbehaviour. My shield there was only my love for Mani. I couldn't bear to cheapen what we had had in our marriage. I am not sure of the order, but those are all four.

My sisters and brothers were all wonderful to me. When I was partway through my sewa, I had a major stroke; I flatlined twice and was expected to die and stay dead. I didn't. Every one of them came to me in hospital with encouragement and hope.

I have continued to clean up my life, now with half my body not working properly. So it goes. I am slowly moving toward some sort of normalcy. I can walk and I can talk and I can write. A soldier I have always been; the saint part takes a lot longer. I pray that will come in time.