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Continuing my theme from yesterday.
So what is it that separates me - myself, me personally, I won't try to speak for anyone else - from God? The Five Great Vices, of course. What else? But let me be more specific. Not all are equally troublesome. I will pick the three that give me the most headaches.
EGO. I had thought maybe I had made a little progress here, until I had that stroke in April, 2006. I learned how self-centred and egotistical I really am. For a long time, I was very reluctant to go in public. I look funny and move funny and run into things and PEOPLE STARE AT ME! And the worst is when they talk to me as if I were mentally deficient. ME! GENIUS ME! OK, I have lost my languages and still have a lot of relearning to do, I admit. I am working on that. I am slowly relearning Gurmukhi. (I wonder why that is so difficult for me?) Even now, it is difficult for me to go to gurdwara because it embarrasses me that I can't bow properly and getting up and down on the floor requires assistance. This is just a small thing, I know, but it is a symptom of a much deeper and larger problem. And I am so proud to be able to admit that. Yow, this ego thing is a slippery problem.
ANGER. Yes, I am angry. After all these years, I am still seething with anger. And my anger is completely justified. Everyone I know agrees with that. My family was murdered for no good reason and I was nearly killed, as well. My friends encourage me to hold on to this anger as both natural and righteous. Perhaps. But forgive me if I quote Dr. Phil: 'Would you rather be right or happy?' Certainly, it's hard to be happy even on this earth while weighed down with a load of anger and hatred. And knowing that is separating me from God adds guilt to the load, as well. Am I justified in my anger? Perhaps. But is it useful to me on my journey home? I think not.
ATTACHMENT. This is the real cause of the anger, I think. I am still attached to my dead loved ones. Although I have a loving husband, I still long for the one who is at home and, I'm sure, at peace. I still ache for my son, my perfect young
boy man, so much like the best of his father and grandfather, and maybe a little of me in there, too. My two baby daughters. I never even got to hold them, nurse them, find their names. And my brothers, especially Bert; he was my best friend, the person I could talk to, who had always been there for me, who understood me and always took me seriously, even while seeing everything with a sense of humour
There's the list. Ego is slippery and hard to deal with. Anger feels so justified. Attachment is a sort of sweet melancholy. What to do? What to do? I know. I feel my Guru Ji whispering in my ear. Ardaas. Simran. Action. Perseverance. Chardi Kala.
I think this is enough self-reflection for one day. I hope it isn't merely self-indulgence to post it on the Inter net. (Ego again.)
Top- I use a brain to symbolise pride because I have always been proud of my intellect. But this is not just any brain! This is the brain of Albert Einstein.
Middle - I use a nuclear mushroom cloud to symbolise anger. I think this needs no explanation.
Bottom - Anyone recognise what this is? What I use to symbolise attachment is a microscopic view of Velcro being torn apart.
WHY TRY TO FIT IN WHEN YOU WERE BORN TO STAND OUT?