24 October 2007

More On Maya - Personal Thoughts

An aside: While looking for pictures I came across something I thought I should alert you to. It is a group of Adventists, evidentally centred in Surrey, British Columbia, who have decided they'd like to convert us to their brand of Christianity. This website post from April this year gives some interesting insights into their methods. You might like to check it out.

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Continuing my theme from yesterday.

So what is it that separates me - myself, me personally, I won't try to speak for anyone else - from God? The Five Great Vices, of course. What else? But let me be more specific. Not all are equally troublesome. I will pick the three that give me the most headaches.

EGO. I had thought maybe I had made a little progress here, until I had that stroke in April, 2006. I learned how self-centred and egotistical I really am. For a long time, I was very reluctant to go in public. I look funny and move funny and run into things and PEOPLE STARE AT ME! And the worst is when they talk to me as if I were mentally deficient. ME! GENIUS ME! OK, I have lost my languages and still have a lot of relearning to do, I admit. I am working on that. I am slowly relearning Gurmukhi. (I wonder why that is so difficult for me?) Even now, it is difficult for me to go to gurdwara because it embarrasses me that I can't bow properly and getting up and down on the floor requires assistance. This is just a small thing, I know, but it is a symptom of a much deeper and larger problem. And I am so proud to be able to admit that. Yow, this ego thing is a slippery problem.

ANGER. Yes, I am angry. After all these years, I am still seething with anger. And my anger is completely justified. Everyone I know agrees with that. My family was murdered for no good reason and I was nearly killed, as well. My friends encourage me to hold on to this anger as both natural and righteous. Perhaps. But forgive me if I quote Dr. Phil: 'Would you rather be right or happy?' Certainly, it's hard to be happy even on this earth while weighed down with a load of anger and hatred. And knowing that is separating me from God adds guilt to the load, as well. Am I justified in my anger? Perhaps. But is it useful to me on my journey home? I think not.

ATTACHMENT. This is the real cause of the anger, I think. I am still attached to my dead loved ones. Although I have a loving husband, I still long for the one who is at home and, I'm sure, at peace. I still ache for my son, my perfect young boy man, so much like the best of his father and grandfather, and maybe a little of me in there, too. My two baby daughters. I never even got to hold them, nurse them, find their names. And my brothers, especially Bert; he was my best friend, the person I could talk to, who had always been there for me, who understood me and always took me seriously, even while seeing everything with a sense of humour


There's the list. Ego is slippery and hard to deal with. Anger feels so justified. Attachment is a sort of sweet melancholy. What to do? What to do? I know. I feel my Guru Ji whispering in my ear. Ardaas. Simran. Action. Perseverance. Chardi Kala.

I think this is enough self-reflection for one day. I hope it isn't merely self-indulgence to post it on the Inter net. (Ego again.)


Top- I use a brain to symbolise pride because I have always been proud of my intellect. But this is not just any brain! This is the brain of Albert Einstein.

Middle - I use a nuclear mushroom cloud to symbolise anger. I think this needs no explanation.

Bottom - Anyone recognise what this is? What I use to symbolise attachment is a microscopic view of Velcro being torn apart.


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