31 October 2007

My Journal - Part One: Introduction, 29 November - 2 December 1984

Click here to read the whole unexpurgated journal.


Don McLean


This is lyrics from http://www.lyrics007.com/

I've got nothing on my mind: nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget. and I've got nothing to regret,
But I'm all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I've got;
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be, I'm not anymore.

You know I've heard about people like me,
But I never made the connection.
They walk one road to set them free
And find they've gone the wrong direction.

But there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where I stand.
And I believe I'll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned.

Can you remember who I was? can you still feel it?
Can you find my pain? can you heal it?
Then lay your hands upon me now
And cast this darkness from my soul.
You alone can light my way.
You alone can make me whole once again.

We've walked both sides of every street
Through all kinds of windy weather.
But that was never our defeat
As long as we could walk together.

So there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where we stand.
And I believe we'll walk them all
No matter what we may have planned.


This is a journal I kept toward the end of 1984.

My nuclear family and I had gotten got in the (choose one or more:)

  1. The Anti-Sikh Riots

  2. The Anti-Sikh Pogroms

  3. The Second Battle of Delhi

  4. The Sikh Genocide of 1984

My husband, son, two brothers, two cousins ant my two unborn daughters were killed. Suni, my sister/cousin, her unborn daughter and I survived.

I was badly beaten and was in a coma for several weeks. When I woke up, I started keeping this journal..For me to journal is as natural as for me to breathe; it has been a part of my life from the time I first learned tom write.

The language and some of the sentiments expressed, especially toward Hindus, are pretty rough. I apologise for neither. Although I rarely use such language and I long ago stopped blaming 'the Hindus' for what happened, given the time and circumstances, I think both are entirely appropriate.

I do blame those who actually did the destruction, as well as those who instigated this bloody massacre, Mr. Jagdish Tytler comes to mind. While I bear no animosity toward those who did not participate, I do still look for justice, a few hangings, starting with the above-mentioned Mr. Tytler.


by Creedence Clearwater Revival

I see a bad moon arising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin.
I see bad times today.

Dont go around tonight,
Well, its bound to take your life,
Theres a bad moon on the rise.

I hear hurricanes ablowing.
I know the end is coming soon.
I fear rivers over flowing.
I hear the voice of rage and ruin.


Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
Looks like were in for nasty weather.
One eye is taken for an eye.


29 NOVEMBER 1984

Alain pretends it's all his fault.
[Expletive Deleted] so smug with his clean white turban, carefully brushed beard...I

want to rip the damned thing off his head, chop off his kesh ... pull the beard out by its roots.

All the pretense.

They have no idea.



You looked so happy.

Sandeep's broken neck bizarre angle

[Religious slur deleted]
Those -expletive deleted] metal bars..heat em red hot...give em a lesson in [expletive deleted]
[Religious slur deleted] on a stick.

Little puppets moving arms and kicking legs , roasting little [religious slur deleted]

[A whole lot of expletives and religious slurs deleted]

30 NOVEMBER 1984

OK, Ms. Mai, now write something rational. How about 3/4; that's rational.

Get control of yourself, lady. Lady? I want my DADDY.
DADDY? Your dead, too.

Dead, dead, all dead.
Alone, alone, all all alone
Alone on a wide,wide sea
And not a saint in heaven took pity on
My soul in agony.

Oh, hi, Daddy, I wanted to talk to you.
--I know, Princess. Is something amiss?
Yes, They've all been murdered. All. singing: Bert Singh and Ed Singh and Bilbar and Mohan, and Mandeep and Sandeep and Kaurs One and Two. I don't understand.
--The Hukam of Waheguru.
A torrent of profanity--Mai wife-widow of Gursikh Mandeep

cusses Waheguru and his [expletive deleted] Hukam --

--Quiet, Harinder, have you gone mad?
Daddy, you didn't see them. All the blood and the [expletive deleted] hit the fan and we fought and they died and I'm still here. Why aren't I with them?
--The Hukam of Waheguru.
I [expletive deleted] hate it.
--I know.
Daddy, I love him and they killed him.
--I know.
Both of them and your dead, too.
You never call me Harinder
--You need to remember who you are.
This is all delusion. I write I talk to ghosts. Why the ghosts of my Mani and our Sandeep. My pure, sweet, innocent son, so loving, so trusting, he really believed everything Mani believed everything. I believed everything. Now? Har. Inder. Too much name. Alone, alone, all, all...
Lilly is staring at me. Stop it, [expletive deleted]! Self-righteous Jain dog[expletive deleted]...you'd just watch em kill everybody, not lift a hand. Can ahimsa win against a mob of [religious slur deleted] eh, Lilly. Quit staring . just sit down and meditate on potatoes.



Today I will write about today.

Al is trying to be in charge. Poor boy just isn't the leader Daddy was. I hope he'll learn.

He apologised to me: 'Little sister, I'm so sorry this happened.'

THIS HAPPENED? THIS HAPPENED? What kind of bloody statement is that! Mani and Sandeep and Ed and Bert and Bilbar and Mohan and Waheguru knows how many more are dead or dying and he says THIS HAPPENED. [Expletive deleted] OK, I promised no profanity today.

Then he says, 'I'll never let this happen to you again.'

I couldn't help myself; I burst out laughing and laughing. Poor Al couldn't figure out why I was laughing, but he started laughing too and then all the others. Others. I'm never alone. People, people, people. Drs, nurses, visitors, long-faced turbans, everybody gotta gawk at me and cheer me up. Hahahahaha.

Suni and Hope. And Lilly. And the nihang over in the corner. They can stay. The rest just GET OUT!! But they don't hear me. I am so pumped full of narcotics that I can't think straight. Or see straight. I can't really see what I'm writing. The nihang is a hallucination. That's OK. He has a friendly look to him.

(Different handwriting: No he's really there. I can see him, too.)

That was Suni. But she is fanciful. She sees a real nihang ghost watching over us. Our guard. I see a narcotic hallucination. Doesn't matter. I like him, but I hate all these drugs. I bet they mixed tranquillisers with the painkillers. It has been over a month, they tell me. So I need neither painkillers nor tranquillisers. I must demand they take me off before I become a junkie. I'm still a Khalsa, eh? No drugs.

(2007:Something I haven't figured out. Yet. Have to keep trying.)

Suni is walking over to the nihang with Hope. I named her. Suni wouldn't let her be named until I regained consciousness. She could have gone nameless. Guru says she's an 'H'. Hope. Not Punjabi, but we need Hope now. They also call her Harjinder. She is talking to him. The nihang. He is smiling at the baby and kissing, yeah, kissing, her hair. That must mean something. A shared hallucination---we've both flipped out.

(This whole page was obviously wet. Tears, I suppose.)


Wonderful day today! Great day! I am now holding in my hand...

Al came in with a bundle. something wrapped in a saffron cloth. He hands it to me. Be careful, though, he says.

I open it. Two cloths, one torn white t-shirt material. one saffron chunni material or maybe turban or a sash. both really bloody. And all wrapped around my beloved H-T!!!. I had thought she was gone forever. Blade bloody, dried blood now.

Al says, We left it uncleaned. Thought you would like to do that.

No, no, no, no!!! No way, Jose! You don't clean your weapon in the middle of a battle. And this isn't over. And H-T is a weapon!!! No pious kirpan, razor sharp deadly...she did her job.

How did they get her?

Al says when the brahmins rescued us. I grasped them, wouldn't let go.

Then I knew the cloths..The white I had cut off the [expletive and religious slur deleted] (choke) gentleman, hahahahaha, I had killed. A lot of blood comes out of a slashed jugular vein. Poor baby. Teach him to go around killing Gursikhs. I soaked it in his blood. I'm not sure why, It was fun, though.

The other was Suni's chunni. I have ripped it off her and cut off a piece and then put it back over her hair.. I used it to wipe blood off Mani's face and my face too while I was talking to him before he died. Then I wiped Sandeep's face with it later. I was going to clean the blood off my hands, too, cause they looked like Lady Macbeth, but Mani said, no, those are the hands of a sant, not a murderer. They got washed off some later when I washed everyone's face.


I still see the Nihang staring at me. What does he want? Suni still insists he's a shaheed guarding us and I still insist he's a shared hallucination...How can we ever know.

They are cutting down on the narcotic because I insisted, but they have to take me off slowly. I've been getting IV drugs for almost a month. At least I can think a little more clearly and I'm not in pain at all. In fact, my whole body feel numb.

Do I need to take Amrit again?

I want to talk to Guru Ji.


See, I told the whole story an only cussed once.


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